Where the Wide Things Are

Nothing entices me more than having a great backside with minimal, and I do mean minimal, effort. Enter stage-right the Reebok EasyTone sneakers. After a few rave reviews and having an easily-swayed consumerist mindset when it comes to shit like this, I immediately hopped online to purchase a pair. I suppose I was so excited about potentially looking like the saucy fitness model I saw in the black & white TV commercial that I didn’t double-check my purchase, the “EasyTone Go Outside-Wide.” I must have read “wide” as “wilde” – clearly the fictitious British spelling of the word “wild” – and thought they were the “wild” edition of the shoe. There was something about the pairing of “outside” and a word that resembles “wild” that made my mind race. I saw myself, these glorious EasyTones laced snuggly on my petite size 6 feet, athletically frolicking through golden fields of wheat, power-walking the Grand Canyon, harnessing my inner Flo-Jo while carrying the olympic torch across the country and toning the hell out of  my ass.

But no.

There was a little hiccup in my plan for a righteous gluteus maximus, and I take full blame for this idiosyncrasy. Now if you excuse me, I need to un-EasyTonibly walk down to FedEx and return these waddle-tastic clown shoes.

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One thought on “Where the Wide Things Are

  1. Obama says:

    Keep it up. You write well.

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