Hammacher Sandwich W/Extra Schlemmer, Please

When I grow up I will measure my life’s worth not by a collection of Chateau Lafite’s in a stuffy wine cellar, or bumptious jewelry from Van Cleef & Arpels, or even Bugatti Veyron’s parked in a climate-controlled garage. No, kind sir, I refuse to wear such ill-fitting decadence or have it reflect my wealth. I’ve decided to measure my life’s worth by the number of retardedly innovative toys, gadgets and furniture I can purchase, in a lifetime, from Hammacher Schlemmer. I can’t even pronounce that name correctly, but I feel good about making this goal a reality.

Here’s my wish-list.

Who needs some boring coffee table from Ikea when you can have this:

I plan on ordering a few of these so I can scatter them throughout my home, just in case I get sleepy on my way to the bathroom or something.

You know those display cases where people showcase fine china or presidential commemorative plates? I want to put a bunch of these in one so it’s like a self-contained aquarium of self-contained ecospheres. Maybe I’ll put this in the same room as my aquarium coffee table.

Like Michael Jackson, I will never stop living out my childhood.

I can enjoy all the fun water has to offer without getting my hair wet. Rad.

I can bust out quality blogs and time-travel with one of these.

I’ll need one of these because in this digital era I’m forgetting how to tell old-fashioned time. What’s this circle thing going on here? Is this a sun-dial? Can I eat it?

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One thought on “Hammacher Sandwich W/Extra Schlemmer, Please

  1. KK says:

    Im SO on that soft serve maker. You should get the cotton candy one so we can have a small street fair in the Walgreens parking lot…

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