Jeffrey Campfail

I never do posts about fashion because PonderPants isn’t and won’t ever be a fashion blog. I appreciate the religious cult that the fashion industry is and fall into it from time-to-time, but I never went to school to understand it, create it, merchandise it or perpetuate it. That’s not to say I don’t admire the artistry of profound fashion design and photography. Sometimes I need to pry myself off the computer whenever I have Twisted Lamb open in my browser.


But let me get to the point I was going to make. I love Jeffrey Campbell shoes and have a few pairs of them. The hidden platform wedge thing he’s got going on has me hooked. So what the hell was he thinking with these design mutations?!


Lita Shag – Furry boots can be bad enough but it looks like someone hammered a chunky wooden heel into a guinea pig. An unfortunate and filthy guinea pig.


Kasa Woven Sandal – The basket cankle says boot but the open-toes and basket cankle say, “The meteorologist that lives in my head is bipolar.”


Smudge Fab – No amount of mushrooms or opium will make me want to chase the magic dragon in these babies.


Pingpong – Pingallsoveryverywrong. Is it just me or do the little squiggly straps sort of look like bacon strips?


Lancelot – More like Frankenboot or schizophrenia in a shoe.


All Ruffle – It’s like dressing up a butch lesbian in a tutu or something. Leather ruffles send me the wrong signals. It’s like gender identity and sexual orientation crisis in a shoe and enclosed with a buckle. Maybe you’re a female that likes other females or a male that likes females but was once a female or some confusing mishmash of something else? If you are, here’s your shoe.


Demeter – This design might flourish better as some architectural creation, like a building or not at all.


Wildchild – Now your feet can whip their hair back and forth.


Pixie Hair – Good god, what do I do with these? Feed it? Groom it? Is there a rabid animal trapped in there? Should I stomp it out and kill it? Is a homeless man missing a gnarly patch of his beard?


*All shoes’ feelings were not harmed in the making of this post as they are inanimate objects. If you think otherwise, I’d advise against chasing the dragon so much.

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