I try not to watch a lot of television because if I do my brain will rot to low-grade compost. People look down on those who have a constant puddle of drool in their lap and an uncontrollable left-eyelid twitch.
Here are four commercials I would love to pummel with a stinky Gefilte fish if that were at all possible.
Febreze Breathe Happy
This has all the makings of a fantastically C-rated snuff film, and I am very sure I saw a Dateline special with the same story line as this stupid commercial. Can someone make a parody of this, please?
Domino’s Idiot Focus Group
How the [bleep] did these focus group members not [bleep]ing see the [bleep]ing cows munching on the [bleep]ing grass outside of the [bleep]ing building in which their [bleep]ing focus group took place? Unless these were the kidnap victims from the Febreze commercials, and Domino’s used chloroform-soaked rags, a windowless white van, miles of rope and burlap blindfolds to transport them from that death basement to the focus group room, I don’t understand how these people weren’t more aware of their surroundings coming into this Domino’s focus group.
Nasty-Ass Community Bed
Ok, I can see this commercial actually happening, except for the part where everyone reacts positively to the disgusting news and continues to lay on this fluffy, communal germ-fest. Hearing the sheets were washed a week ago and realizing the buffet of skin cells penetrating the very fibers of this bed I was pushing my face into would make me an unhappy individual, and someone would surely be getting punched in the spleen. Camera man, the bearer of bad news, the person who went before me, whoever.
Charmin Basic Cheap-ass Bears
Alright, if you are too broke to afford toilet paper – they even sell individual rolls in case a multi-pack breaks your pursestrings – you need to stop watching TV, get up off your punk ass and get a job. You might enjoy your go more realizing affording life’s basics are no longer a concern in your wonderful adult life.